Well, kiddies, 2008 has been a banner year for pop music, hasn’t it? Let’s get started and review some of the current masterpieces before this year becomes yesteryear…
Yes, I know that some of the following songs may have been released last year, but unfortunately they’re still on the radio so I really don’t give a shit.
“When I Grow Up”, The Pussycat Dolls
When I first heard this song, I thought to myself “hold up”, and went online to see if the lyrics were indeed what I had heard… “When I grow up, I wanna have boobies.” Well, well, that’s just stark ambition there, ladies. I know it’s tongue-in-cheek, but if this were a bunch of guys swinging around in Chippendale getups singing “When I grow up, I wanna have a large d*ck”, we’re all be rolling on the ground laughing. Listen, girls: when you grow up, you want to be relevant.
“Closer” by Ne-Yo…actually, anything by Ne-Yo
Look at this douchebag. I just want to kick him in the nads. And the fact that he called his new album “Year of the Gentleman” grinds me to no end, because there are VERY few males on this earth that deserve to be called “men” and I’m 100% sure that Ne-Yo wouldn’t know what a real man was if it was right in front of his jacked-up face, especially since he’s, what, all of 29 years old or something. Oh yeah, that’s a real man right there. I’m sure you know how to fold your panties reaaaal delicately, Ne-Yo.
Fig. 1: Photograph of a douchebag in his natural environment (Source: http://musiqfeed.blogspot.com/2008_07_25_archive.html)
“Hey There Delilah”, The Plain White T’s
If a boy had a crush on me and wrote me this song, I’d have serious suspicions on whether or not he was straight.
“Our Song”, Taylor Swift
Have you paid attention to the lyrics? It’s about a boy telling his girlfriend about all the special sounds and memories that make up their “song”. Girls, if a guy ever does this to you, it means one of two things: he’s trying to get into your pants with minimum effort, or he’s very, very, very homosexual. Flaaaaay-miiiiiiiiiiing.
“Hot” or “Girlfriend”, Avril Lavigne
Avril Lavigne. And that’s all I really need to say, isn’t it.
“I Kissed A Girl”, Katy Perry
…gets my vote for the most annoying song of the year. Hey, Katy Perry, you kissed a girl and you liked it! Ah-maze-ing! Why don’t you inform us of when you took a shit, too? In fact, why don’t you take the Activia yogourt challenge, and instead of just telling us about it, write a crappy song about how excited you are to finally be regular. That’s something to which everyone can relate! Hurrah! Bonus: yogourt, for the most part, tends to taste better than waxy-ass chapstick, which seems to be your favourite snack as of late.
“Viva La Vida”, Coldplay
Let me take you back to a time, a long, long time ago, when Coldplay used to make great music. So the boys have never been excellent with the lyrics, but until this point they’ve never been tone-deaf either. Hey, you’re talking to a (former) Coldplay dedicate here, so when I say they’ve gone wrong, they’ve gone wrong. And it would be really helpful if Chris Martin finally learned to move properly so I wouldn’t confuse his dancing with seizures. Maybe he’ll dance a little better if he pulls out those violin strings he seems to have shoved up his ass.
Fig. 2: Douchebag-in-training Chris Martin, wearing some kind of throwback Sgt. Pepper’s jacket…dude, where the hell did you get that?! The International Homeless Man Catalogue?? (Source: http://www.theinsider.com/photos/959885_Chris_Martin_I_Feared_I_d_Be_the_Guy_No_One_Wants_to_Have_Sex_With)
You may have noticed that I’m ignoring Britney Spears. Guess what: her initials are BS.
…and let the hate mail pooouuuuur in.
1 Comment
December 12, 2008 at 12:10 am
That’s awesome.
Coldplay is a watered down version of u2 and Radiohead.
Radiohead is pop-buzzy ambient with vocals.
U2 . . . has been recycling the same things since the Joshua Tree.
“Nothing is real, everything is a copy of a copy of a copy . . . “