“But I’m Sooo Matuuure…”

Alright folks, here comes one hell of a rant. If you are a female friend of mine, prepare yourself, because I’m probably about to offend your ass off.

Let’s get one thing straight: I don’t care who the hell you are, but if you are a teenaged or twenty-something female who grew up in North America, there is a 98% chance that, regardless of what you may think, YOU ARE NOT MATURE.

Ways to realize you are Not Mature:

1) In conversation, you often state that it is sometimes hard for you to get along with people your age because you are So Mature

2) You are in your first seeerrrious relationship (no, like, seriously guys, this is soooo different from anybody else’s experience in the history of the universe) and being part of this qualifies you as being Really Mature

3) Out of all your girlfriends, you are totally the one with the “motherly instincts” so obviously you must be the Most Mature

4) Clearest way to tell that you are not mature: YOU GO AROUND TELLING PEOPLE YOU’RE MATURE

Oh, and here are some of my other favourites. You aren’t mature if:

1) Your primary topic of conversation is yourself/your life

2) The majority of your free income goes towards yourself

3) You think that everyone is actually interested in what you have to say at all moments of the day

4) You have over 15 + photos of yourself pertaining to every event you ever went to since you were 16, and you’re always inclined to post them on the internet, if not your fridge (”Omigod remember when we went to the club that night? We are sooo crazy! Omigod look at your hair!!”).

5) For whatever reason, you think you have “life experience” equivalent to that of a 40-year-old African refugee dying of AIDS (or you think you have the maturity to understand these situations), and this qualifies you to give out “mature” advice to people you know

The QUICK TEST to find out if you are TRULY MATURE: Drop all electronic devices and go sit under a tree. Now shut your goddamn mouth and keep it that way for two hours.  Got it? Okay, now’s here the hard part: keep it that way for the rest of the day, and the rest of the night if you don’t think you’ll pass out. Move, go for a walk, go to the mall, do your groceries, breathe, but for God’s sake just shut the hell up and keep all thoughts to yourself. If you can do this for one or two days, and you come to the realization that the world will not spontaneously combust if everyone does not know about everything happening to you, then congratulations: there is hope for you, young Jedi Master. If not, then in the words of the hipster kids today: EPIC FAIL.

So I may be overstating for comic effect – or I may just be quite angry today – but it seems that this false claim of maturity is growing among my generation, especially with the young women. Ladies, please! Why the need for such gratification? Why the need to share almost everything you do for such reactions from your friends? Why the need to, among all of this, claim that you are mature?

It almost seems as if “men” in their teens and twenties (and I use the term “men” rather loosely), while being the pompus jackasses they can so often be, have realized that they are not anywhere near mature at their age and do not often lay claim to this, though they may state that they are, among other things, smart, sexy, funny…excuse me while I laugh my ass off. However, women are often pressured to be mature – or are simply stated to be more mature than males – and for whatever reason, many young ladies seem to want to prove this to their social circle, or anyone else who will listen for five seconds. It’s great to be mature if you actually are mature, but there is no need to rush. If you want to enjoy your youth, so be it. All I ask is that you take other people’s sanity into consideration.

Much like the term “feminism”, I sincerely hope that the word “mature” can eventually be reclaimed by the people who deserve it: the people who raise children, the people who give selflessly, and the people who consider not only themselves but others as well, regardless of the situations they may be facing in life. Most of all, “mature” needs to be reclaimed by those most important of people: those who have learned the art of knowing when to shut up, when to speak, and when to listen. For most folks, it’s one hell of a balancing act, and many fail the test. In my humble opinion, learning to be still physically, mentally, and emotionally, and finding peace within oneself, is also key to growing up and maturing as an individual.

Perhaps is the the advent of new media (Facebook, Twitter, etc.), which allows you to control the way you are seen, has given young adults this lust for glamourization and instant gratification – it’s always found among young people, but these days it seems like an epidemic of sorts. This in itself is a topic for another time.

Maturity, like self-knowledge, is earned – so put in your hours, and make sure they’re not in front of the camera.

A Hero by Any Other Name…

 I would like to point all readers to the following NPR article, which tells the story of one Clarisse “Classy” Morant, a D.C. woman who seems to define true beauty in all ways possible. She recently passed at the age of 104 after spending years caring for her ill sister and brother.

Jezebel’s Sadie has done a great job in summarizing her story and spirit as such:

Her sister suffered from Alzheimer’s, and her brother was incapacitated by a stroke and dementia. The three siblings lived together in D.C., and – with help from day-nurses – Classy managed to keep the other two at home until their deaths, her younger brother in 2007 and sister on the last day of 2008. Only then did the 104-year-old begin to fade. After years of doing heavy physical work with no complaint or problem, she died after keeping her promise. Says a social worker who saw Classy in action, “She was all about providing whatever care they needed and never thought about, really, what her needs were and never complained about it. It was really remarkable.” 

…what a wonderful woman (and that is a massive understatement)!

That being said, I must say I take umbrage to the phrase “everyday hero”, which many people will use to describe Ms. Morant. For sure she was a hero and deserves to be classified as such, but I do not like the division of “heroes” by what they may or may not have done and the number of people they affected. There are so many individuals like Ms. Morant who exist in the world today, yet they are taken for granted, and their contributions go unrecognized. Surely their are others who have a larger impact, but we must realize that most often they are given the opportunity to shine and also have a large support system behind them, aside from having the personality to back up their potential (if I must give a recent example, I will point to President Obama).  People like Ms. Morant, who make a positive impact in whatever way possible, are the individuals who make the world go ’round. Let us learn from their examples, and have the strength to follow their actions in our lives. I am thankful that reporters were able to catch onto “Classy” ’s story so that she may have much larger an impact that would have ever been expected while she was alive. Rest in peace, Ms. Clarisse “Classy” Morant.

The Seven Blunders of the World

 

“The destructive Seven Blunders of the World that cause violence:

1. Wealth without work.
2. Pleasure without conscience.
3. Knowledge without character.
4. Commerce without morality.
5. Science without humanity.
6. Religion without sacrifice.
7. Politics without principle. “

-Mahatma Gandhi

This is certainly one of the more profound quotations I have had the pleasure to discover lately, and I agree with every word of it. However, it seems one would only grasp the true meanings of it unless you were to live through these situations, or at least consider them in depth – although, taking into account that not all humans think alike or share the same experiences, I would hope to be proven wrong in this way of thinking. Regardless of how our lives are lived, perhaps we can eventually all come to the same conclusions about life, love, and liberty as listed above, if only to understand our peoples and our world a little better – in a way when we can operate on a higher level of consciousness  once and for all.

**Please let me know if this quotation is worded incorrectly or is attributed to the wrong person. I have found many different versions of this message.

***Also, please let me know if the comments make any sense, since I’ve just had my morning coffee and the world is still fuzzy and shapeless to me.

Better Than the Tooth Fairy

 

Yes, I am one of millions who is a big fan of CuteOverload.com – because when you’re having a hard day, even news junkies like me would prefer to squeal over pictures of kittens that read about murders, rapes, and politics. The site recently suggested taking a look at an online art project called “My Milk Toof”, which sounds completely nonsensical at first, but comes very close to being the online equivalent of a hug from a gigantic  and very fuzzy teddy bear.

Here’s the storyline: one day, website author and artist, Inhae, wakes up to find one of her baby teeth at her front door. He has come back from wherever he had been after disappearing from under her pillow when she was a child. His name is Ickle, and eventually he is joined by another of her “milk teef”, Lardee. The website follows their adventures together under the watchful eye of their mother.

My favourite episode so far is “Some Afternoon Mellow”:

…you’ll have to click on the link to understand the full story, which is incredibly imaginative and, of course, adorable.

I know it may be crazy to find someone’s old teeth as cute, but it is a hell of a lot more uplifting than watching Fox News. Or any other news channel, for that matter.

Never Better Spoken

 

Joke of the Day

Q: How many men does it take to tile a floor?

A: Two, if you slice them very thinly.

(This joke entertains me much more than it should…)

Elegance, Turkey Style

SHUT UP!!

I think that’s what Stacey from “What Not to Wear” says every time she’s pleased with someone’s outfit. If she screamed that to me while walking down the street I’m sure I’d return the phrase, along with another one that starts with the word Mother.

Anyways I get her sentiments, especially when I consider how excited I get over international fashion. Check out the beautiful hijab styling done by the people at Turkish salon Arzu Koafor:

        

Ooh Laaawd I would rock that first one with the braids or the last one with the flowers. I don’t normally wear hijab but when in Rome…or Turkey…

That being said, look how stylish and elegant these fashions are in comparison to the hottest thing on our streets right now:

Excuse me while I go throw up in a pan and mail it to American Apparel.

 The salon’s site: http://www.arzukuafor.com/

Inspiration from: http://hijabstyle.blogspot.com/2009/05/hijab-stylist-arzu-kuafor.html

Change is Good, Dollar Bills are Better

Unforeseen circumstances caused me to start this blog, so unforeseen circumstances will cause me to end it – but not now, no way in hell. This site is about to undergo a major revamp, one step at a time. Just like us humans. Expect some things to disappear. Don’t be surprised if posts start to take on a more journalistic tone, and then revert back to sadistic humour. Que sera sera.

Thanks to everyone who keeps reading, especially to friends who always tell me in person to update this blog, and much thanks to others who are much more diligent about updating their very interesting blogs and simply encourage me to do more (I’m looking at you, JB).

A Whale of A Story

…yes, that’s a stupid title.

Update on the situation: I still don’t know who reads this blog and I still don’t care, especially since I write it pretty much for my own amusement and as a form of applause for myself to show what a frickin’ genius I am.

BUT!!

A whale exploded on the streets of Taiwan back in 2004. It died on the beach and was being transported for research, and then just exploded on top of cars and pedestrians due to the buildup of gases in its body.

That is Mother Nature giving a big fat “KISS MEH ASSSS” to everyone out there. Just let the whale die in peace, for God’ sake. Although I think that is one hell of a way to go. When I die, I want my swollen body paraded through a busy street on the back of a car so I can explode spontaneously on the people around me. Preferably the people who have pissed me off. Or not. I think that whale is in whale heaven getting a high-five from all the whales around him. Good on you, Mr. Whale. Good on you.

Baby, That Don’t Make No Sense

In my humble and always correct opinion, I do believe one of the greatest stories ever told on film is that of Pootie Tang.

Dirty Dee: Pootie Tang! I come to call you out, maggoty eatin’ *bitch*!
Pootie Tang: Ain’t come one, but many tine tanies!

In short, Pootie Tang is the story of a hero. A man who stands up for the children, speaks his *own* language, and of course, has impeccable style. Yes, he may take the wrong path every now and then…but he always returns to the road of integrity. There are many lessons to be taken from the film, such as that of the following:

Trucky: You can’t beat a ho with a belt… they like that shit.

…and it’s not just street-smart life lessons that are given, but lessons on practical skills as well, such as that of pre-planning and being prepared:

J.B.: Pootie Tang will draw you a picture of how he gonna kick your ass, then mail it to you ten days in advance. The picture gets there right? You’re goin’, “What the hell is this?” and then Pootie Tang knocks on your door, promptly kicks your ass and you still won’t know what happened to you!

Communication skills are also in order:

Pootie Tang: Cole me on the panny sty.
Bob Costas: …I’m sorry. What was that?
Pootie Tang: Cole – Cole me on the panny sty.
Bob Costas: What the hell are you talking about?
Pootie Tang: …Cole me down on the panny sty?
Bob Costas: Oh, cole me down on the panny sty! All right!

You also learn about the interpretation of statistics:

Trucky: It was incredible. Only the third time a man had been mauled by a gorilla at that steel mill, that month!

Of course, the eternal lessons of life, death, and rebirth are also explained in Pootie’s story:

Trucky: He was rejuvenated. You hear that? Rejuvenated. He was juvenated before, lost it… and got juvenated again. Rejuvenated!

And so I say this to you: please go to your local film store location and pick up a copy of Pootie Tang. Watch it with you children and your spouse. Allow yourselves to be enveloped in the story, and do not be surprised if you finish forever changed.

**All quotations from the movie are courtesy of http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0258038/quotes

**NOTE: Yes, I know the formatting is shitty. I don’t know why either. You think I’m gonna sit here all day trying to figure out this shit when I could be smoking weed and stealing from convenience stores? No, I don’t think so. If it really bothers you that much perhaps you should start diverting your energies to moving out of yo mama’s basement. She’s offended. She was offended by your birth.